


Grieving Process

by lionessvalenti



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Episode Related, Episode: s02e13 Exit Wounds, F/M, Grief, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Present Tense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-20
Updated: 2011-08-20
Packaged: 2017-10-22 21:20:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/242718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lionessvalenti/pseuds/lionessvalenti
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The beginning of grief after <em>Exit Wounds</em>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta read by Allfireburns.

Jack walks through the Hub. He doesn't see where he's going, walking the well-worn paths by instinct and habit. He knows the Hub and Torchwood better than anyone and better than he knows anything else. He's blind and he doesn't even graze a wall.

There's guilt, leaving Ianto to put up Toshiko's body alone. Jack tells himself he knows Ianto well enough to know he needs to do this himself, he needs to be alone to grieve because that's how Ianto is, but the truth is, simply, after this day and the last two thousand years, Jack can't do it. He physically cannot bring himself to do it.

Jack looks up and realizes he's made his way downstairs to the shower locker room. It seems wise enough, stripping out of his dirty coat and blood-stained clothes. Even if he can't think, his legs know what he needs. He leaves his clothes on a pile on the floor. Ianto can pick through what needs cleaning and what should be tossed out and never thought of again.

Jack turns the hot water on full blast. It feels good, pounding hard against his stiff shoulders. Showers. He didn't realize he had forgotten how good a shower felt. He wonders, briefly, if sex will live up to its distant memories.

Dirt washes out of his hair in clumps as brown water swirls down the drain. He scrubs the blood from his hands until he can finally see the natural pink of skin. He meticulously checks every nail bed for any flecks of blood or dirt before he finally washes his face and hair.

He presses his hands against the wall and bows his head, letting the water pour down his back. It never gets easier, losing everyone around him, and he wouldn't know what to think of himself if it suddenly did.

Jack finishes his shower, and walks into the locker room, realizing he doesn't have clothes to change into. He thinks in passing how the bottoms of his feet are going to get dirty walking upstairs for clean clothes.

That's when he spots Gwen sitting on the floor. There's a towel in her lap and she's leaning over it sobbing quietly, her entire body convulsing with each ragged breath.

"I thought I sent you home," Jack says, still dripping.

She looks up and her cheeks color to match the redness around her eyes. She heaves a shuddering breath and says, "I just thought I'd – I wanted to clean up and... I heard you-"

"You should have joined me." The flirtation slips out of his mouth easily, before he can even think about it. He sits down next to her. The floor is cold, but he doesn't mind it.

"You're naked," Gwen says, her voice quiet and stuffy.

Jack nods and wraps his arm around her shoulders.

She leans against him, but not as comfortably as she normally would. "What are we going to do?"

"I don't know," he says, but he does know. They'll grieve. They'll cope. They'll move on. It's too soon to think about, and it's certainly too soon to tell her that, but he knows.

"It hurts... so much."

Jack can hear a fresh round of sobs in her voice and he pulls her closer to him. "I know. I know."

Gwen looks up at him. "I can't do this, Jack. I knew all the risk, but the... the losing, it actually happening, I can't. I don't know how."

"Yes, you do. You're strong." He presses a kiss against her forehead. He's not going to let her go. He's not going to let her lose it.

"I'm not – I can't-"

Jack lifts her chin and kisses her on the mouth. It was meant to be short, to snap her out of it, but he can't stop. Her mouth opens easily under his and it's soft and perfect. Everything else fades away into the kiss. His hand slides up her jaw and settles at the base of her neck. Gwen is sliding her hand across his stomach and gripping his side, pulling him closer to her.

Gwen pulls away, but her hand rests against Jack's stomach. "I can't, Jack. Not this."

He nods, and his eyes are transfixed on her lips, but he says, "I understand." He smiles and it's breaking. They could forget their grief for a moment, but the moment is over. He stands, extending a hand to her, and he helps Gwen to her feet.

"Go home, Gwen."

She nods and looks up at Jack with her puffy eyes and tear-streaked face. "I'm still going to shower first. I really need to clean up. I just-"

Jack reaches out and strokes her hair. "You look beautiful," he says.

Gwen laughs, and as she does, she starts to cry again. She falls forward into his arms, resting her head against his chest. She's clutching her towel.

Jack wraps his arms around her and pulls her close as she cries. He knows he needs to let go, but it's so much easier to hold her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta read by 51stCenturyFox.

Ianto gazes at the body and tries to process it as _the_ body, a body, any body. Anything except Tosh's body. He could close the drawer, but it's hard to look away. If he closes the drawer now, it will be for the last time. No one will ever look at her again. There's a rock in his stomach at the thought of being the last person to lay eyes on Tosh's face.

He feels like he should say something, but he doesn't know what. Instead, he gently drags his fingers across Tosh's cheek, though he had been touching her plenty, in the process of getting her from the medical bay to the morgue. That was work. This is... something else.

Her skin is cold, and paler than Ianto had ever seen it; it barely even looks like her. Like a beautiful painting of her. An impression. If he were naïve, he could imagine it was some other body, pretending to be Tosh. One of her demented ideas to fake her own death, though he couldn't come up with a reason why she would.

The corner of Ianto's mouth twitches somewhere between a smile and a frown, and he can feel the burn of tears around his eyes. He swallows hard, takes one last look at Tosh's face, quiet and empty, and pushes the drawer shut.

Ianto presses a hand against the front of the drawer, the other clutching his clipboard, and he tries to regain his composure before he loses it. It's not working.

Hands out of nowhere rest on his shoulders, and Ianto leans back into them, feeling the warmth spreading through his shirt into his skin. Closing his eyes, he lets out a quiet moan.

"We need to stop losing people," he mumbles, though he knows it's a stupid thing to say, especially to Jack, but it's exactly how he feels.

"Tell me about it, Eye Candy."

Ianto jumps and spins around all in one motion, the clipboard clattering to the floor. He stares for a moment at John, whose hands are still in the air from where they had been on Ianto's shoulders, and then punches him.

"What do you think you're doing?"

John turns his body to face Ianto again. He runs his thumb along his lower lip. "I _thought_ I was comforting you. You didn't seem to mind-"

"I thought you were – it doesn't - what – what are you doing here?" Ianto asks. His cheeks are blazing hot and he can feel his pulse beating hard in his throat.

"There's still some unfinished business," John replies. He turns his head to one side, and reaches out to touch Ianto's face.

Ianto slaps his hand away. "You brought this on us, you could have-"

"Died for nothing? Gray'd gone mad years ago. He would have found a way without me. I _helped_ you."

"Tosh and Owen are still dead," Ianto snaps, his voice rising and cracking on the last word. He feels a rush of a dizzy spell from saying the words out loud, making them real.

John steps forward, and Ianto feels a hand on his ribcage. He reacts without thinking, flailing his arms out, and suddenly he's on the ground, on top of John, unsure of how he got there. His fists pound against John's chest, and John doesn't try to stop him, but only wraps his arms around Ianto and rubs his back.

Ianto rests his head on John's shoulder and cries. All he can think is how relieved he is Jack and Gwen aren't seeing this. He's not sure if he's more embarrassed about breaking down or relying on John for comfort.

There's a hand is in his hair, but Ianto doesn't move. John smells good, like sweat, dirt, and _Jack_. Slowly, Ianto lifts his head and stares at John. This hasn't made him start liking him. Ianto might hate him more.

"I..." he tries, but falters.

John grins, but it's not that cocky smirk. It's a smile. "Do you want to hit me some more?"

Considering it for a moment, Ianto shakes his head.

"We could have sex," John says with a lift of an eyebrow.

For that, Ianto reconsiders hitting him, but instead he laughs. It sounds more like a cough, louder than he meant, echoing off the tiles. "No," he says, shaking his head again.

John reaches up, takes Ianto's face with one hand, and slowly guides him down. Ianto's breath catches as John raises his head off the floor and kisses him.

While Ianto is pretty sure he said no to this sort of thing, he kisses John anyway, parting his lips and letting in John's tongue. He doesn't have to think about Tosh or Owen, or what this means. It doesn't mean anything.

Ianto isn't sure how long it's been when he hears the sounds of someone walking around and coming to a stop. He pulls his mouth away from John and looks up. Jack is stark naked, standing just beyond the archway leading into the morgue, staring at them.

Ianto opens his mouth to speak, but Jack raises his hands, palms out, and then continues walking.

"Shit," Ianto mumbles, scrambling off John without giving him another thought. He walks quickly after Jack to his office, trying to keep some level of composure. He sees the light coming from Jack's quarters and lingers at the door, waiting for him to appear. Ianto wipes away the remains of any tears.

Finally, Jack is climbing up the ladder, fully dressed. His eyes are rimmed in red, but he looks otherwise calm.

"Jack," Ianto says, "about-"

Jack places a finger over Ianto's lips, then cups his face with both hands. His hands are warm, and he's absolutely gorgeous. He smiles softly and says, "Do you mind staying? I have a few things to do, then we can talk."

 _Unfinished business_ , Ianto thinks as he nods.

"Good." Jack gently kisses Ianto on the forehead and lets him go. He walks past, and Ianto turns to follow Jack with his eyes until he's out of sight.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta read by Lefaym.

Jack stands at the door of his office and looks the Hub over once again, making sure everything is secure. He knows it is, but after tonight he'll check everything as often as he wants to, not caring if it's necessary. Everything is quiet except for the hum of machines and the water trickling down the base of the water tower.

He checks his watch and sighs. It's nearly eight in the morning. It's been a long night. Longer for some than others.

Jack turns toward his quarters where he can hear a shower running. Ianto. He hadn't heard him cleaning or doing mindless busywork in about an hour. He wonders how long Ianto's been in the shower, and if maybe he wants company.

No. Not that sex wasn't a great comfort, and one they'll surely take soon enough, but not yet.

He lowers himself down the ladder, pulling the lid over him as he does. He sinks down onto the bed, then takes off his boots. He glances up at the bathroom, the door open and the light on, and listens for anything other than the sound of running water. Sobbing or shouting, or fists beating against the walls. Those reactions aren't like Ianto, but he has been pushed to them before.

Satisfied with the quiet, Jack settles back against his pillow, exactly how he left it such a long time ago, and flips open the cover on his wrist strap. He checks the stats on Gray's cryogenic chamber. He knows it's going to be the same as he left it, but he doesn't berate himself for it. He'll be checking the status constantly for the next few days, making sure Gray is safe, and they're safe from him. Then something will happen, the world will be in danger, and he'll be distracted, and he won't check that day. But Gray will never slip completely from his mind.

The water stops, and Jack looks up. There's a long pause, and Ianto comes into view, naked with a towel around his shoulders. He stops in front of the sink, back to Jack, and brushes his teeth.

"Hey," Jack says softly, not wanting to startle him.

Ianto spits in the sink and turns his head to look over his shoulder. The glow surrounding Ianto from behind makes it hard to see the details of his face. "Hey."

Jack leans forward and pats his legs. "Come here."

Ianto stares at him for a moment, then wordlessly tosses the towel into the sink and switches off the light. Jack blinks as his eyes adjust. Ianto crosses the room and there's a bit of a tussle as they figure out how to sit, finally settling on Ianto straddling Jack's lap.

It's still difficult to see Ianto's face, this time from the dim light, but his eyes are clear and searching Jack's face.

Jack strokes Ianto's cheek. He's in need of a shave, but Jack likes the way the stubble feels under his fingers. His skin is cool and damp, and his hair is still wet and dripping slightly. Slowly, Jack leans forward and takes Ianto's mouth with his. There's hesitation from Ianto for just a moment, but then he responds hungrily, wrapping a hand around the back of Jack's neck and pulling his body closer.

Jack moans into the easy familiarity of Ianto's mouth. He had little concept of time while he was buried, and no matter if he had been sleeping or dead for hundreds of years at a time, it still _feels_ like it's been forever.

Ianto pulls back the slightest bit, his lips barely brushing against Jack's. "This isn't talking," he says in a low rumble.

"No, it's not," Jack agrees, pressing his lips to Ianto's once again. "You're a welcome distraction." He runs a hand up Ianto's side and across his chest, his thumb catching a nipple.

Ianto shivers. "Perhaps I should get dressed and be less distracting."

"Don't," Jack says, holding Ianto in place. He can't put into words how much he wants to feel Ianto's skin, all of it, everywhere. It must have been obvious in his eyes, because Ianto sits back a little, but clearly not going anywhere.

"I'm assuming you finished everything you needed to do tonight."

Jack nods. "Everything's done. I sent John on his way." He raises an eyebrow. "Or did you want him to stay?"

"Gone is good," Ianto replies quickly. "What happened was a mistake."

"It felt like a punch in the gut from here."

A small smirk appears on Ianto's lips for an instant, gone as soon as it came. "You were jealous."

"Surprised," Jack clarifies. One of his hands drops down to Ianto's leg and he strokes the inside of his thigh with his thumb. "It didn't make me _happy_ , but I wasn't going to stop you. You're allowed to kiss anyone you want. I know I do."

Ianto tips his head back, his eyes closing. Jack can see the moment of normal banter and teasing slipping away as Ianto recalls why he was kissing John in the first place. He's remembering the ache of why he was in the morgue at all. Jack rests his hand against Ianto's neck, wanting to pull him close and kiss him again.

"What happened tonight?" Ianto asks after a few more moments of silence. "We were doing everything we could to hold it together, but we didn't know what was going on, and you were..."

Jack nods slowly. "Yeah. It's... it's complicated when my past comes back to haunt me. Everyone else is – they pay the price for my mistakes."

Ianto strokes Jack cheek and waits until Jack looks up at him before he speaks. "How _are_ you? What happened? How long were you... buried?" He says the last word softly, like he's being careful if Jack might not want to hear it.

Jack thinks for a moment and then says, "Around eighteen hundred years? Give or take."

"Wow," Ianto breathes, turning his head away and looking at the floor. "I..."

"What?"

"It's – it isn't important."

"Talk to me, Ianto."

Ianto continues staring at the floor. "You - you really can't die. I knew it - I knew that. I've seen you a hundred times, die and - but... eighteen hundred years. I can't even - that's such a long time."

Jack suddenly feels cold all over. "So you can't even look at me."

There's a long pause and slowly Ianto lifts his head. He opens his mouth to speak, but he closes it without saying anything at all.

"You should get a few hours rest before Gwen comes back in," Jack says, breaking the silence. "It's been a long night and you haven't stopped."

Ianto doesn't protest. They sink down together, getting into a comfortable position on the small bed. Jack draws the blanket over Ianto's bare shoulders.

"If you're not going to undress with me," Ianto says humorlessly, "could you at least remove your belt? And your watch? The chain is cold."

Jack nods and begins pulling off his belt, nearly knocking Ianto out of bed in the process. Neither one of them laugh as they normally would. He pulls off his waistcoat completely and drops them both on the floor.

The last thing Jack wants to do is sleep, but he doesn't want to leave, so he wraps his arms around Ianto and pulls him close, resting his chin on top of Ianto's damp hair.

"It's not fair I get all this life and then I can't save anyone with it."

Jack waits for Ianto's reply, but there's only silence.


End file.
